Shining Eyes of Fire

Upon taking my first breath this year
I was surrounded by it... protected by it
It drew a new kind of strength
One I first mistook for infatuation,
And yet it was still so kind, forgiving, loving.
I was tainted by something that would later
Gave me the greatest power I've received to date!

From that one moment of isolating darkness,
When he said those daunting words to me,
I panicked, and even tried to detach from it...
The greatest lesson I could ever learn.
I grew obsessed with the sadness that grew,
In what I blindly labeled my tattered heart.
Bitter and running unwillingly, I cried out,
Hoping to fix a problem I dropped on someone else...
When in fact, all this time, the problem has been
... Me!!!

The only one who was wrong was me...
I'm in my own way...and in turn,
I have been hurting myself for so long...why?
Why must I continue to be so childish,
Running away from greatness,
At the expense of taking the easy way out?

So for the next little while I surround myself
With an ominous darkness meant for healing.
One that would take the pain I felt and use it to nourish.
I was free to look into evil lurking inside...
My goal- to purge it before it completely controls me.
It's like I had sold my soul to the devil,
In exchange for a feeling of completeness.
This feeling didn't even come from me!!
It was the worst kind of fixation.
I wanted to harbor off the feelings of someone else
But I was proven wrong... That's not how it works!

I want to be free from the bounds I've enclosed myself in
I want to show the world that I am competent.
That I can make a difference that will help ease their suffering.
What I need to do in order to achieve such a status,
I must surpass my worst enemy, my best friend
my over indulgent mirror image, my weight and chains.
I need to start accepting and upholding responsibility.
Make sure I stay true to the core I once embraced.
To taint it again would be like throwing my life away...

It took some time, but I've finally realized,
I've got a new fire in my eyes, a new inspiration!
I have finally admitted that I need help, but
only to keep me on the right track.
I hate how dependent I've become, I feel so heavy!
This year has shown me some of the most profound insight,
The most profound allure, and the most profound love.
I can honestly say that I have been given a great life,
A great chance to do great things!
Even though I keep stumbling along the way,
I keep running away from those who show me guidance and care.
I must change my mind, and therefore change my life.
I must actively shoot for the stars,
Making sure I keep the morbid fog from consuming me,
Because for the first time In my life,
I've got something to prove, and that must be done by me.

The present day has me learning vastly beyond my years.
I'm grateful for the numerous opportunities...
There are great events and people in my life,
That I know will later test me.
That's why I will wear this profound strength,
Around my shoulders, keeping my head and heart intact.
There's a fierce battle ahead, and I must make sure I'm ready.
What a relief that I caught myself in the nick of time!
I've got another smile on my face,
Reminding me that I am the embodiment of strength.
I've got another smile back at me,
When really I should be smiling back at him in thanks.
I can't tell the future, or wish my way through life,
as it gets tougher, and more complex with passing space and time.
I must fight through the bad, and emphasis the profound good
Not a good I can solely use to take advantage of others
But a Good that can shed a pure light on the unknown
One that can be remembered, influential, and
Truly Profound...










§hawntal<3

Intimate Vocal Reprise

Crimson Time has lead me Here...
Pure and true in colour, Surrounded by a wise exchange
A Perfect Wave, Warmth as these leaves descend
Paths at every turn All Singing out to me
Each Voice, so distinct, So appealing
Lift me off the ground.
My heart calm, in Awe, shocked with Decisions
Emotions tie in tangles; undecipherable smirk holds so much
I want to make things right! Disregard the past, and fly
Will of all will, Take my hand and I'll show you.
Dancing voices, pull me closer. Let's get under the same umbrella
Show you my most intimate smile, So true and from the soul
I'm Tired of running from what should be embraced
Wrapped around the arms of sincerity
These tears will flow with the illusion of these somber surroundings
I only want one who will help carry me past my limits
That silver lining absorbed in my growing valor
A call to let me tweak the future
This surprise spurred intense motivation to integrate
Both my shadow and my angel on the road to frozen reflection
Imprinted with the past that will never be
Shed off those unruly misfortunes
And look it in the eyes so that I can regain the beauty

§hawntal<3

Crimson Days

I saw this in a dream one day…
The feelings so vibrant, the touch, so real
But when I woke on that misty summer afternoon
I thought of bitter malice, I thought of sticking by the side of distance
I played with ideas covered in a cold, black shield, where ominous chaos thrives
I looked at you and thought to keep myself unfathomable separate
There were times when I thought of flooding my heart with senseless pleasure
I felt like a fiend who had unwillingly seen a harsh light, holding my sword close to my frail heart
Last I checked, though, Karma gave me back hope
It sent out a thank you, because I didn’t give in to the darkness I’d seemed to swarm myself in
I let time and distance take care of me, used the pain to nourish my boggled mind
And I’m not willing to let anyone take me with them to that same place I was once in
I’m freed, I’m flying high and withdrawing from the mangled madness I’ve experienced
I’ll declare my solitude to be true to what I believe in.
Looking into autumn’s eyes, I see the shedding of an emotional year
One with meaningless kisses and mal-intentioned fucks
The cold I once feared is returning, and this time, inspires me to laugh in the face of danger
Now I know what to do, until the next one comes around whose casted away insecurity
Wisdom is bestowed through anguish, and I want this winter to be ready for me
Because I’ve never felt such a sense of power before, not like this!
I’m finally in control again!
Even if times call for colder days, somber moods, and more fiends like me to go on the prowl
I’ve got a new secret weapon to defend against mundane pleasure and societal fixations
Distance, and my dream will eventually see me though all of life’s frailties
I’ll only be victorious, though If I follow the demands of my Will truthfully
But I'll never let go of the lessons learnt, and add to my creative future
Fly on, let autumn have its say this year, and see where the last leaf falls. I think I'm ready!


§hawntal<3

Breaking Point

You didn't look before you leaped

Trying to take me off course with you

On a round-a-bout summer filled with emotional drought and lightning

Time is of the Essenes, Time to walk away

Make sure , in the future, you remember to check for blind spots

Before setting afoot my way

Things will never be the same,

Because change has enhanced me with the gift of courage

The courage to decide that enough is enough!

...You'd better run!

When I awake tomorrow, I want to return the burden you sent;

It's grown wearier over time

What could have been virtuous

Has been buried deeper into the cold blue

And instead of wondering... pondering,

I'll raise my heart to the sun... I'm through!

Life is calling for heavier times

Those which will require my full attention

I've made a pact with Change, Love my friends and support

I'm looking to shoot for the moon to figure out my next move

My heart belongs to my philosophical future

I want to make sure I'm ready and laughing in the face of adversity

That I'll be ready and willing to bare what ever chilling truth may arise

With a focused mind, I'll finally be able to move freely

I know I belong in freedom's wake

Free to cultivate my learnings, and bask in discovery

My screams and frustrations aren't all in vein

But now I've quickly reached my limit

And I'm going to dive off of the deep end... say goodbye

I turn my attention to unfinished business

I turn my thoughts to the sunset in preparation

Now "excuse me while I kiss the sky."

§hawntal<3

Beautiful Challenge

Decided to Lift My Spirits Myself
In Turn The Light Inside Just Grew
I Was Able To See A New Kindness
I Felt Like I Could Follow This Voice

I've Melted Into The Silver Lining
I'm One With The Singing Cherry Trees
Spring Is Alive And Well In My Heart
My Spirit Rejoices At All The New Possibilities

Staying Strong In Trying Times
I've Kept A Keen Eye Out For Opportunity
The Wind Has Changed Direction
I Can Now Drift On Through Uncertainty

Confident In Where I Currently Stand
Sure Of Where I Want To Go, What I Want To Do
Determined To Carry Myself In The Most Positive Manner
I Know It Won't Be Easy, But Well Worth The Effort

First I Walked Alone, Guard High, Laying Low
Then I Realized I Was Never Alone, Just Recuperating
The Calm Before The Next Wave, Ready To Fight
I Won't Doubt What Time Has In Store For Me Next.
It's Lead Me Here...
To A Beautiful Challenge :)







§hawntal<3

Battle

ひとい で Alone
あたたかい ひかい。。。 Warm Light...
きみ の きえり こえ、けど。。。Your voice, So Beautiful, But...
こ ないえで! Stay Away From Me!
まか ないい で! I Won't Loose!
きっと。。。ぜったい! Surely... Defiantly!
§hawntal<3

Thaw out Shadows and Grey

Seed of light.
Enough to remind me.

All troubles fall into perspective,
All Pain, never infinite.

I'm curious to know,
What is it like?

I fell short the first time,
He smiles at her instead.

Yet I feel peaceful.
Reassurance after the mirage.

I'll stand my ground.

Cry with the rain, Smile with the sun.
Sing with the wind, Laugh with the fire.

Illusions out to manipulate.
I can't let them win.

Instead I'll walk through the roses,
Thorns and all.

Just to finally understand,
What it's all about.
§hawntal<3

Abstract Wish

I'm not sure what I'm searching for.
My mind protecting itself from manipulation.
My heart calls forth an irregular tune,
And I'm left to wonder why...

Since You left, I was able to recollect,
The fragments of my Abstract Wish.
Rebuild the passion I had wasted,
And pinpoint the new moon, as my focal point.

My wings will never again be as pure as they were.
That doesn't mean that I will loose to the shadows.
All it means is that there is no turning back,
No Time to sink below the surface of the pool.

Soon I will take flight to take hold of the truth.
I've distanced myself from it all... I'm not tied down to society
The restrictive past has taught me only to live outside the box.
Outside, where no one else has ventured; no one else will bother me here.

The rush of the transitioning season...
I can feel it pull at my heart, calling it forward.
It wants to show me where my insight fled to,
After that dreaded day the eclipses took it away.

My faith in you is gone, and I prefer solitude.
My faith in humanity fallen into skepticism's palm.
I'm drowning in doubt, I'm surrounded by a warped light.
Who can I deem worthy? Or can I continue to walk alone?

Sitting on the edge of heartache, I cry.
Crying out for a wish to gain the real understanding.
Along with the rain, that won't stop its emotional ravage,
My isolation has been my best friend in this last chapter.

I can't find a tangible source of happiness,
It's not an end result from years of dedication and sticking to the rules.
It isn't the impulsive call of the wind, and it's not the dependability I once casted on you.
It has proven time and time again to come out of a wish.

A wish so subtle that most miss its circannual appearance.
It takes me by surprise every time.
It's mystery leaves me intrigued; its sensuality has me yearning.
I've never experienced anything like this; true euphoria.


§hawntal<3

Uplift to NeoSoul

I'm Inspired to start getting into Acid Jazz... making it. I'll see where I get with it, but I'm excited. I need to try something new, something passionate!
Who inspired me, you may ask?
http://www.clarahill.com/
it was her!

§hawntal<3

I can A-B-See!

Abstract Intuition
Benevolent Solitude
Courageous Stance
Determined Seeker
Euphoric Insight
Fountain of Knowledge
Genuine Being
Harmonic Melody
Intellectual Depth
Jasmine Beauty
Kindred Spirit
Learning to Master
Majestic Bloom
Nirvana Journey
Organic Learner
Perplexity Mysterious
Quirky Individuality
Raining Secrets
Sophisticated Mind
True Fulfillment
Vivid Identity
Willful Drive
Xtraordinary Flare
Youthful Perspective
Zany Star
§hawntal<3

Lights and Shadows, Darkness and Illusions [Thoughts I'm stuck with]

This isn't coherent in any way... just thoughts I had to get off my chest .

It's true that life's reality is a rather painful one for those who dare venture into its vast depth. Uncertainty lines the pathways we run through, and doubt waits just beyond the checkpoint.
Too many of us rely on what we want to see, and don't listen to what's really in front of us. We open our hearts to what we think will save us, help us, get rid of these uncomfortable feelings.
Our hearts pour our to one another, thinking that we'll have something in common with the next person.
Our hearts retract in fear of the subsequent pain we will eventually face, the doubt that had once before seeped through our barriers.
Our motives are set on finding and maintaining pleasure; a lot of time at others cost, But then again someone's gotta get caught in the blast for power fame and recognition...right?
Someone has to pay the cost for causality to really have its effect.
Our thoughts hope that the glass is half full, instead of half empty, and we search for infinite happiness with a blind eye fixed on illusions.
Not everyone will know ... I know I didn't when I stepped out of that door that day.
Subjective hopes brought me to think I'd be okay, and you know what?
Once it synced with the objective truth, the smile on my face lead me to believe that I have done the right thing. [I'm on my way to where I need to be].
Human nature is a complex concept, where people rise, fall, disappear, and shine day in and day out.
Where people mess up, and where people have the potential to do great things, and overcome the doubt that was placed in front of us.
Where people gain insight, and look past all that they deem as redundant.
Where, to feel safe in this bound of unknowns they associate themselves with a higher governing power.
Where people look to protect what they have known to hold dear, what they want others to see in them.
And you know, that's all fine...that's how they make sense of their world and the world of objective reality.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, I have no recollection of ever wanting to harm anyone... wait... not like that anyways.
My list of disappointments that I have projected onto others will continue to grow each and every day.
My fears will continue to get in my way day after day, and I'll show a billion more tears before I pass away.
I will fail at getting my point across at countless debate; both formal and casual.
I will eventually come to realize all the wrong that I've done, and where that has gotten me; where that hasn't gotten me.
I will continue to loose myself in wishful thinking of what I want to come true, or leave behind. The shadow in our hearts will continue to grow deeper as we reach a more insightful stage in our lives.
How we deal with this ever growing shadow depends on the individual " To each their own".
The malice that lurks just beneath the heart will fight to resurface, fight for control.
Our selfish gain will tell us to leave others behind; forget about what isn't beneficial for you.
And we will continue to experience pain, as we part with those who those close to us; as we fall victim to the path of another; as we ourselves use dishonest means of getting ahead.
The world we live in will continue to produce miracles that some may disapprove of.
We will drown ourselves in the cycle of competition, only to ward off feelings of inferiority.
Once obtained; power will corrupt and continue to draw darkness in what we have fought to keep pure.
Nature will continue to remind of metaphorical obstacles that each of us will have to face.
We will indulge in obsession as a way of coping with all the different forms of pain.
Tests of character will continue to emerge.
Can you live up to your potential, or fall through the cracks into invisibility and routine? Feelings; Emotions will always get in the way of one's better, more logical judgment, and cloud what could easily be seen as a clear objective.
Mirrors that reflect a morphing image will continue to question who you are; and you'll eventually ask yourself if what you see is truly you.
The values that fill as the feathers of my wings will continue to fall and regrow; each one different from before.
I have to own up to my faults, my lack ofs, my losses, my delusions, in order to finally grow the pair of wings I've always dreamed of.
I will have to fight for what I believe in; take the first step, second step, third step, leap!
I, no doubt am not perfect, and with I go through in my life truly is my own.
I feel an isolation that helps motivate me to be seen from within the crowd; I hope I can do this without stepping on other people's heads.
All the adversity, or trials I've had to face have presented themselves to me for reasons I may never understand until the time comes to use my shortcomings against themselves.
Nothing is EVER guaranteed, Nothing is ever infinite, nothing is ever impossible.
I hold a great kindness, a contradictory animosity, and potential to shed the doubt for good.
Hold great conviction for what you believe in; watch it grow, nourish it and take care of it.
For some reason, this gentle kiss imprinted in my heart shows me that life is what you make of it.
Although you can't control the doubt that waits for you beyond that closed door, you can control if you let that doubt affect you, you can control whether or not you turn that doubt into courage. I'm unreliable in always providing answers to the questions that stream through my mind and the questions that I'm asked in class, by my friends, and those elders who have already experienced my type of tests.
Others may project their connotations of me in ways that I may not agree with.
I may blindly walk astray from my path before realizing that I don't belong anywhere but where I am now.
But I'm overjoyed that I have countless chances, that my freedom enables me to make these mistakes and still keep my head on my shoulders.
I will loose some and win some, and will accept that the only constant thing in life is change. It's that beauty that keeps forgiveness strong, and optimism even stronger.
I've been given the courage to shout out to the world; a present I got from the me in my dreams. The sun, moon, rain and stars, have all given me different presents that will enable me to start from scratch.
I must walk on this lonely path that I Created.
I must stay true to it... See where it will bring me... walk in the lead of my intuition.
Life is beautiful, and no matter what I have to face, I will always keep that statement close to my heart.

§hawntal<3

つき ひかり - Moonlight

Gentle
Light glaze over the ocean
Pure
Never tainted with malice
Shine
Glisten through the mundane
Hope
Strikes up faith to believe

Trust
Sure to be by your side
Guide
Intuitive answers at your will
Path
Make way to deliver dreams
Time
In fragmented cycles it rises

Lonely
Thrives while the world sleeps
Sadness
Eerie Light to pierce the skin
Determination
A light stronger than nightfall
Will
A fight to be seen and heard

Proud
Effects through latent power
Cool
Cold shoulder?... or just hard to understand?
Secret
Takes pride in being mysterious
Shadow
The unknown depth of darkness within the light

Distant
Carrying all emotion inside a glass bottle
Love
Hold whats dear and pure close to the heart
Pain
Leaks through sacrifices; tells a different story
Strength
A shield against life's hardships to see your goals


§hawntal<3

Mysterious Allure for Life

My original post date for this was on August 20, 2008


What is life but a sequential series of events... or is it? Some people may rely on a force that is larger than they to bring them to their ultimate potential. There are those who think they are what makes the earth rotate day in and day out, and then, there are people like me... people who are somewhere in the middle of this grand scale. All I want is to do what I can to control my life into the direction I most want to go in. Why then does it sometimes seem like no matter how hard you try to walk down one path, you end up either walking backwards, or switching paths unexpectedly? And can you get back onto your ideal path? What about if the odds are grim, or maybe you are going through a detour to get you back on track?
Whatever the case, I still have to ask, What is Life, and what do I want my life to be? I can honestly say that I want to be remembered...remembered as someone who was able to do something of great impact, so that tomorrow will rise with dissipating tension... if only for a while. Regret, slip-ups, failure, I don't find any reason to fear things like this, because I'm here to learn, not just in the class room... not just from your first job, but until I breathe my last breath and use the very last of my senses. Is the theme of my current age group reckless fun? well... if it is, I'd like to put that to question. Because I feel like I'm quickly rising to the challenge of the past, that I can be well equipt to fight through for the future that I want. I'm so blessed to have all that is here with me, and I honestly couldn't ask for anything to have gone any differently, because it is the here and now that will see me to my future goals... They are high... kinda, really high, but I'm not worried about that. I've found my secret happiness, which doesn't consist of finding another 'half' to try and piece together, nor is it by putting others down, or putting them on pedistiles and picking at every little thing. All I can say is that you are the only person who can truly guarantee your happiness, and so I've tapped into it, and you know what...it actually works! Material possessions can only take you so far, that's when the allure of your connection to the world, to those around you, and to yourself have to step up to bat. I'm not hear to have a grand party life while at school, nor am I going to watch while certain people rise above me. I mean some deserve the good fortune that they work for, but not everyone has to work for a good life, and there are some who did nothing wrong, but are in worse shape at the age of 5 then I ever will be. Good, Bad, ...whatever you want to label it, life... can't be explained in terms of what you do in life, but by HOW you go about what you do. I've got a burning passion to use the time I have to the fullest, and who knows... I may actually reach my (very high) goals in time... because I don't exactly know what life is. I think it would be amazing to be able to define life for yourself, and not have to refer to an dictionary, or someone else's philosophy to find out the answer to life. Wouldn't you?


§hawntal<3

Iˆ6

I made this as a guide for how I should lead my life from here on in... hope I can follow through with it lol

1. Inspiration- It has to start from within yourself; your internal drive.
It has to be and fuel your actions and it has to be the underlying passion.
A wish to rise above with the courage to see that wish come true.


2. Intelligence- The ablility to see more than one answer to a problem.
To be objective, yet still stand up for your beliefs. A yearning to know and seek truth.
The privilege to share with others what you learn though your journey.


3. Intuition- The power to use the world around you as an information channel.
The will to stay true to yourself and 'listen to your heart'.
The judge of your true feelings without emotion and irrational logic to block it.


4. Independence- The decision to venture out on your own.
A chance to build a foundation for yourself and learn though experience.
A sense of control with a sense of pride to back it up; A release of fear of failure.


5 Integrity- Respect and love of the self, through truth and reliability.
Trust in others to trust you; Both need to be earned and maintained.
The honesty needed to stabilize security and faith in the self and others.


6. Innovation- The knowledge of the imagination to form something new.
A way to transform the mundane; a way of progression; moving on.
Going beyond the boundaries to bring about change; The allure of discovery.

§hawntal<3

雨ふり- In the Rain

Reflection of a tarnished soul,
Somber, Tranquil, Soothing,
A Place all its own to replenish.

A Tragedy; Some run to avoid the stain,
A Blessing; A sign to let go, start a new,
Emotion boils over, spilling, it pours out its heart.

The other reality, the judgment before the sun,
A test of character; a will to see past
A secret wish, hoping to be heard.

Romantic outlet for hopes and dreams.
Carry them adrift through the new current,
Just in time to reach the receiver .

My personal favourite interruption.
A rift in time; slow down the pace,
Embrace nature with open arms.

Move my feet and hum a tune,
A chance to sync subjective emotions.
I stand my ground, with a smile in my heart.





§hawntal<3

What Psychology means to me

(This needs more work and will get more attention when I can dive deeper into what this really means to me, but this is it for now.)

Psychology is a rapidly growing field of interest for the general public, but where it came from was from the heart of the individual who wanted to know more about his or her self. I would imagine that it started out with such questions like " Why am I here?" or "What makes so and so so successful?". Philosophers emerged with countless questions regarding human nature, and many people have struggled to find answers to questions that are posed so easily. These questions have always plagued mankind, so why, I ask is a field such as this so new?
Is it because few people wanted to test the waters of such a complex task, or were people too worried about getting their family through hard times? Maybe it was because of a lack of people who held the skills necessary to tackle questions about the human psyche? Who knows... I'm just glad that I live in a day and age where there is an extensive amount of information regarding psychology and human nature.
To me, psych is the study of the mind in retrospect to behaviour, mental processes, evolution over time, and the interaction between the objective and subjective worlds. There are a ton of sub fields in psychology that cater to thousands of jobs, topics covered in the media, societal rules and influences, etc. Fields such as organizational/ business, personality, neuroscience, social, cognitive, clinical, sport, experimental, health, community, cross-cultural, feminine, forensics, academic/ research and many more are currently growing and evolving every year, with lots of discoveries waiting to be found.
Because of the vast opportunities in pschology it gives me, as well as many others the room to grow, change and merge the area of studies we choose to explore in this field. This field is a scientific field, but because of its variety of study and methods of obtaining and sharing information, it can be looked at as a social science or pure science, depending on how complicated you want to go witt it. With that being said, we should note the importance of the brain for relaying information from the objective world to the subjective worlds that each of us create. While Bachelor of arts students may look at the complexities of the brain, its the neuroscientists that turn this field into a science by looking in depth at what the brain is, how it works, and what would happen if certain ares of the brain are damaged or non existant, thus ignoring the notition of the brain as "the mind"
To me, psychology is a window of knowledge into the essense of who we are as a collective species and as unique individuals, and to beable to explore an area such as this, I find it a challenge, and a pleasure wraped into one. I would like to use the skills and knowledge that I aquire from my furure years of study to try and improve the psychological world, and see how much I can give back to the world; this is my way :]

§hawntal<3

My Introduction

Seeing as this is my first day here, I thought I'd give a little introduction as to who I am, what I want to do here, and what you can expect of me.
My name is Shawntal, and I'm a second year undergraduate student at the University of Guelph-Humber. There, I'm taking psychology, and would love to get into either personality, developmental, or cognitive psych. I also have a strong interest in philosophy, but hate to read... hmmm this might serve as a problem ...
This blog would be a place for me to bring my thoughts, feelings, and current knowledge of psychology together. I am also VERY interested in Japan, the Japanese language, and anime, so I will also have tons of things relating to that in here as well. Sometimes I'll add some poetry, or recommend some music, or even just vent, but here I am... I'm going to try putting allof these things together to give the world a little preview of who I am :]

-§hawntal<3